idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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