I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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