she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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