My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
