I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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