I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
