I faked an abortion last night.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
