You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
