he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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