Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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