I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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