Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Enjoy the penises
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
