When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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