So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
