Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
