I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
