I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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