Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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