dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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