I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
