My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
