ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
ok first of all what the fuck
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
