I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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