I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
