We won't sleep together?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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