I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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