I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
