We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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