if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
