True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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