i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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