Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
