i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
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Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
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He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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