you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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