It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
