His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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