The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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