Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
