There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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