I could make wine with my vomit
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
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