I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
