look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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