I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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