I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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