It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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