After last night, I could never be a politician.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
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I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
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Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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