Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
