you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
