i need an iv and a liver transplant
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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