Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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