Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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