Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
