I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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