$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
