I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
