I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
