Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
