Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
accomplished twins. life is a go
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
