I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
