I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
