His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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