I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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