i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
