So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
