My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
